2005-11-30
afraid of who
There she is, broken and rumbling in my bed and in my head. Here she is in my mind and she is fighting and rolling and kissing. I gasp for air and see her eyes wavering. The sun is flashing, yet the room is dark and cold. It is one o’clock in the afternoon and we are wasting away the day in this storm of love and fluid motion. Thank you, thank you, she says, I can finally sleep forever.
My alarm clock goes off again and again, and I return to this dream between snoozes. What is it that takes me to her and leads me back to misery? It was a better “if… then…” than it was at all, and I am still shaking my head. No, it doesn’t take anything to delete numbers and avoid confrontations. I am avoiding the problem as successfully as she is – which makes this overwhelming feeling of naiveness take over my body and put me to sleep. I suppose I am left with questions and no one to answer them, because I obviously can not go to the source… that would be preposterous. I am left wondering what it meant when she seemed sincere. Where did I go wrong in assuming that nothing was something? Is that where I went wrong at all?
And there are these fighting words inside of me that I want to use to bash her. I want to yell and stumble on my words in hopes of saying something she has never heard – and needs to.
It was never my hope to have anything with her to begin with. I liked her. I was infatuated with her. I loved her. Not for anything that she did or gave to me, but because she was the first person I couldn’t see through. I saw dedication, strength and will in the fiercest eyes I had never met. I felt her passion for living from fifty feet away. And when finally I met her, she became everything I had ever thought she would be. Because of that, I had no fear. If anyone around her comes out of their shell, she will shoot you down. Because as gracious and as perfect as she seems, she has no security in the wonderful, glorious person that she is.
oilandwater at 10:51 a.m.