2006-01-24
Invitation to Guiding Lights
I'm a small person with very little to say. I have a voice with no volume and a mind with no thought.
But I still have a right to be here...
I can not explain how I feel, and I don't know why I feel it. But she owns a part of my heart that no one else could ever willfully touch. The things that mean very little discern me the most. Yet the things between us that are unstoppable, unbeatable, untraceable... are held so high inside of me.
Certainly, things are made harder when I don't know what I want, when I can not decipher my feelings, and when I'm unsure of my life. There is a constant scratch on my tongue and a curl in my throat that sends me to tears.
There I was in the backseat with no control - it would pour out of me and I didn't even have a reason. Perhaps that Jeanna is so worried about me, yet my own grandparents think nothing of it. Maybe that I've lost friends in these few short months when it took years to gain them. It could be that she is forever lost to me, and I worry that I may never see her again. But more than likely, I think I cry because I have no more control. I have no more sense of what I want my life to be, and I am making nothing of it.
I wonder now, if things would have been much different for me had I known all I know now. I wonder if I would make the same choices I already have. I think I would. I think I would still end up right here in New Hampshire without a voice. I would still be right here with no one to listen to me. I would still feel unattainable and completely moronic.
oilandwater at 7:13 p.m.