2005-05-21
my poor pocket
I will tell you the truth.
I have self esteem. I love it so dearly. I look in the mirror... I see those curves no one wants. I see the stretch marks and wish my boobs didn't hang so low. The split in my mirror makes me more angry, but if I stand a certain way, I see my legs the way I have always wanted. My mirror lies to me sometimes, which makes me angry, too... but I am still lovely and beautiful.
I am the best version of myself that I have ever seen. So I don't wake up early and before I go to sleep, my legs start to shake because they haven't been running. I put my class ring back on my finger, because this is me rebelling. They aren't letting me graduate with the class of 2005. Since I saw Claire wear the purple pants at her graduation, I have dreamt about my graduation. Since Kate had her picture taken with Kelly after graduation with the rose in her right hand and the sky so beautiful, I have dreamt about my graduation. The very first day of high school, I said I can not wait until graduation day. And it hasn't even come and it may as well have just passed.
As much as it all means to me. As much as it all matters, I am trying to adapt to what has happend and the choices I am left with. I am going to college now - with people my age and with people making decisions like I am, and I hope that I am still odd and I don't change to be someone who fits in and doesn't stand out anymore.
I am always smiling. And to be truthful, I am mostly always smiling inside. Except for when my clothes are too tight and the skin goes out farther than the clothes and I am in a car with a boy and I am so afraid that he is looking at the skin, but they never are. I am not afraid of my skin and I am not afraid of me.
There is nothing wrong with me. I made a bad decision. I do not feel guilty, because I didn't lie. I have always said that I would own up to my responsibilities, and take responsibility for my actions. That is what I am doing. The world is being more supportive than I could have ever dreamed. Everyone I run into, everyone I talk to, everone who crosses paths with me - everyone.
And it is so easy to keep smiling now. With the future not looking so dull and with my family still loving me and with my dog drooling on the car seat and with the stone in my bra, I am still smiling.
I don't take advice from magazines. I don't look at the upper arms of the girls in magazines. Because, Ellen Degeneres, who is the most beautiful and funny woman alive, does not look like Ellen on the cover. Because Ellen is on page 194 of a 207 page long magazine - and her picture is on the cover. I don't take their advice, because their advice changes every month. But I read the horoscopes. And today, mine says "You have been emotionaly drained for almost two years now, but things are finally starting to look up." Well thank God, it's about time.
I had a fake dream last night where I was in Mugz cafe and people were there but I was really there with Eric. And basically, Eric and I are no longer for no reason really. We just stopped. And really I am okay with that because the dinner we had was so forced I couldn't breathe, and I hate when he says that he wants to pay for something and than I say okay and he says are you sure? Like... actually, you can pay for yourself - I don't mind. Well what the hell. Pay for me, damnit. Be a man. And then he loves Jesus which is fine but he loves Jesus, says he doesn't believe in sex before marriage, says he can't sin because he loves Jesus. And then he drinks wine, tells me that they don't ID so I can drink, too - which I don't - and smokes pot in the car and then moves the dinner to the floor so he can kiss me and I can't do that. I can't understand how he praises it all so much and then he kisses and smokes and drinks and PRAISES and PRAISES and PRAISES. Maybe he doesn't know that is why I can't do that. But for something that isn't serious, Mom was right. She said if we started dating, it would seem like we were married and it wouldn't be fun. Well it isn't fun. It stresses me out. It makes me anxious. I can't breathe and my mind races and I can't sit without sitting again and readjusting and sitting again and chewing gum and smoking a cigarette and wow.... too much.
So I had this dream and Eric was there and I screamed because he was wrapping his arms around me and I said NO I CAN'T TAKE IT ! JESUS!!! and then I said.. THAT TOO! I CAN'T TAKE IT! and it isn't really the Jesus, but ew... ew ew ew.
My mom and I are really good. We're really really good. She gave me a stone on monday and I keep it in my bra and it is a good luck stone. I can't hold it in my hand to rub all the time, otherwise I would, but I started keeping lighters in my bra so I don't loose them, so I thought that is a good place for the stone, always touching. Always touching.
It feels like old times right now. Listening to good music and writing so much so freely with so much to say and only a few little letters to show it.
So I should probably go to bed. I am going to wake up early and dress pretty and wash my hair and hope that I have a good day.
LOVE. SMILE.
oilandwater at 12:44 a.m.