2005-05-28
ready for roll on downtown
I feel like such a love bird.
The greatest mix cd gift ever given to me by carolyn at least two years ago. I went through the bin of cds and found at least 15 that I forgot about. How beautiful.
I suddenly felt pressured tonight. I heard her voice and then I knew I had found another way to disapoint her. I have betrayed her. And I can't take away her pain, becuase I just don't believe. And then again, I have been let down this week. Given I have been in hiding for a few weeks, I just don't feel like it is that hard to pick up your phone and dial. Most of the people I call are within two to five button-pushings. That isn't very many.
I get home and nothing is the same. They are all sleeping and I am supposed to walk in the dark and turn the lights off and I am getting used to it. I'm getting used to feeling like an inconvenience. Scratch that - being an inconvenience. Someone they have to take care of.
Talking to my dogs today, I realized how dependent they are on us. We feed them, we let them outside, we lock them up, we turn the fans on for them, we fill up their watering hole, we allow them to pee, we give them couches to sleep on. I am the same. I totally depend on my parents to feed and nourish me. As much as I believe that if I were forced to surive on my own - I could, I in fact do not live independently.
I pay for my lawyer, I pay for my gas, I buy most of my food - scraping from the fridge here and there, I dress myself and I set my own alarm. I am sleeping in their house, on a bed they purchased, driving a car my mother owns, typing on a computer that they own, and leaning on a desk they bought, wearing a shirt she found on sale. I hate that. It makes me ask - how long will it be before I wear my own clothes, buy food for my own family, buy cars for my own children, and have people depend on me for something.
Jokingly, someone at work told a few people that we were engaged and getting married. It was actually the most embarassing, and funny day at work - ever. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing for the life of me. Another guy would turn the light off when I walked in the walk-in fridge. It was cold and dark and I was a little frightened. And then another guy was especially nice to me when he never is. That made me happy the most, because he was being genuinely nice and it warmed my heart that all it takes is being friendly.
Dreadlocks are on hold. It makes me sad, because I wish I could snap my fingers and make the dreadies. But it is impossible. Having more time to think makes me more scared, because when I decided to do the dreads, it was an instant, impulsive decision - as much as I had thought about it before. I never thought I could do it. But I have started, and I know they will look good as soon as I GET them.
Goodnight though, I am very tired. And tomorrow looks like a day I should be writing a paper and reading a book, but won't be and maybe I'll wake up early to awful coffee again and then go to work eventually and want to stab my eyes out because I won't be in the kitchen with my fiance.
oilandwater at 12:10 a.m.