2004-10-12
up against the wall
She's a little crazy....
we're talking third person...
help her. Find her.
"Higher and higher. There is a force that I ignore. There is a force that is fighting with me. This feels so good, and all I think about is her. I am not in love with her. I do not have these feelings for her, yet I ramble about only her with splurges of him and them and she and his and mom and dad and the weather. But mostly it is her.It was a joke, a long time ago, that I was afraid of commitment. It didn't become so much of a joke recently... when it seemed that was exactly what I was afraid of. They're not always right. I forget that people don't always know everything about you. That there are certain things that you figure out for yourself. And I'm so immature like that. I skipped a part of my life - somewhere. There is a huge blank. And I think it has something to do with a father figure.
I can't pin point that. I don't know where it would be. My dad was my dad. Maybe I accepted his actions too quickly. There is a broken pattern. I am hurting right now. It hurts just like it hurts that I can't cut off communication. I can't turn off my cell phone, but I started to at night. I turned off my text message thing. This, I think, is a good start. I am too easy to get a hold of.
And I know that it's all good for me. That being around different people and becoming a part of another type or sort of relationship is good for me. That with this, maybe I can grow up. Because I haven't been growing up.
I can feel the tears in my lungs.
Just like I felt Skip in my heart last night. It scares me that mom said maybe it was true, it was him, he was trying to have me talk to people. And I know that if I continue to dream about him, that it is the only way that he can communicate with me. Because any other way would scare me too much. I think I would have a sort of panic attack if I ever saw him. In that led zeppelin shirt. With long hair.
Now I can feel the tears in my cheeks. They are seeping north.
I need to read this, and understand that even if I'm the only person reading this that it's okay. That being alone isn't being alone forever. That being alone is growing.
Why doesn't my father call me. He returns phone calls, but he doesnt call me.
That hurts too. Because he doesn't ask questions. Because I wish I had a dad that I looked up to.
I feel the tears so close to my eyes.
I know that it feels good to be with someone like this. It is so safe. Being with someone who respects you so much? How do you find the people that respect you so much? After you rambled about your failures... about your being dumped... about your being ditched... about your shitty feeling inside. You see the boys who look at you and when they are looking in your eyes all they see is their watch ticking... ticking... ticking. And you've had this one always because that little bear has been sitting on the desk for a long time.
My arms are shaking.
Everyone you know has such a beautiful life. When they see you, they see the free time and the leisure and the happiness they think binds you.
They don't see the frustration. You thought you'd never be the one to hide it. You are the one who is so loud and vibrant when you're all together - who knew that IT would bind YOU. It was it's own disguise.
I wobble as I fly.
I rely too heavily on other people. For answers. For choices. For decisions. For creation. For comfort. For pain. For reliability. For endurance. For steadiness.
It is just like you to plan something, make chaos of it, and become spoiled and unsteady. It would be just like you to become an alcoholic. Your brother was right. You are an easy alcoholic - he should be afraid. Be so thankful that these people care.
Without them, where would you be. Where would you be without Christine.
Without Kelly.
Without Tyler.
Without Sara.
Without Jen.
Even JW held your hand, that night.
You're not laughing, anymore, are you?
And it scares you when you can't remember. When now you know it doesnt kill brain cells - what has?
What makes you so afraid of even saying it. To dare to say those words. You're afraid that even knocking on wood wouldn't save you. That saying the words is going to make things not happen. Even though he says them to you, and surely he means them.
Pull through, and say them. Pull through and make him happy. Tell him what you feel."
oilandwater at 9:40 p.m.