2005-10-30
unlock the door and set down your keys
The weekend passed unusually fast, yet again. It is probably the incredible amount of sleep I get that wastes away my day and leads into the night so rapidly. But aside from that, I woke up with the charming one who doesn't see any kind of forever between us. This would also be the one that I had a run-in with a few nights ago. I hung up the phone in disbelief that I actually confronted the issues I have been concerned with and that he responded to every detail. It was a needed conversation, but still upsetting. I tried to watch a movie but found myself snuggling with Megan's bunny in her bed under soft throws and pillows. I was woken up to my shirt being taken off and my nightgown being pulled over me. They asked me what was wrong and listed off the issues I have informed them of. None of them were on track, but the drunken chaos caused me to cry - it was pitiful and glorious. I was tear streaked and angry, ready to throw punches and kicks. I sat on the toilet in the haunted bathroom for a while - just crying and concentrating on the worn fragments of the tile floor. I'm better than this. I am.
I know in my gut what is right - that we are in two different places. There is no sense in pushing something that isn't appealing. So I'm not pushing it, and never really have - and I made that clear. I slipped the L word a few years ago when I hardly even knew him and learned my lesson. In fact, I never say that word anymore. I told him he has me wrong - that whether or not we are having sex, we are capable of being humane and friendly. Not only does it seem like he is in no place or time to be in a relationship, I don't think that is what I want or need for myself.
All of this has hurt me, but not nearly as much as he thinks it has. It only hurts in the morning when we have separate blankets and sides of the bed. And it hurt when he tells someone in my presence that he loves a girl and hasn't felt this way for anyone in years. I'm really just setting myself up for the big one, because I am still falling for this person. But I've told him that I'm not - and I know he isn't falling for me.
oilandwater at 8:00 p.m.